[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
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Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
put ‘er there pardner!
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows