me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
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best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.