When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
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[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!