Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
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Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Fights fire with marshmallows
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.