[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
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[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!