Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
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Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…