Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
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the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing