Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
You Might Also Like
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist: