Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
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[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
I need this for my side hustle.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K