Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
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Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
i choose….tongue
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.