Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
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[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.