Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
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I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers