Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
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X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.