Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
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Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
how high up are we talkin’?
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?