date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
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The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
This will never not be funny 😭
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?