The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
You Might Also Like
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.