You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
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Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
me opening up to someone
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…