[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
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8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.