Erm I’m gonna say no
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employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Can Happiness buy money?
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.