Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
You Might Also Like
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
this is how life feels
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.