Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
the official breakfast of 2021
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list