Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
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Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
I’d love this…lol
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
This kinda thing happens to me often
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life