Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
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3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.