nyc:
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Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
everyone’s a critic
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.