Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
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[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
How do dragons blow out candles?
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
how long have you had this for?
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Dear Lord..
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else