dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
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Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
U talkin 2 me?
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Where is your GOD now????
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.