11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
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Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order