“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
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“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
This was my dad’s browser history.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.