She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
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Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.