office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
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[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too