My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
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My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,