Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
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I want to know about the Oreo incident…
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
There is no “we” in pizza
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
no such thing as a dumb question
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.