Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
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I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
this has to be peak English
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*