my mind
You just read my mind
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When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
When you kidnap a writer.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.