I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
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Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
That de-escalated quickly
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
how was your vacation
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”