I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
You Might Also Like
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.