*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
You Might Also Like
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade