My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
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“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
technically true but not a great slogan
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son