A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
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So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Remember folks 😂
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.