Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
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Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers