Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
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My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Natty or not?
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process