receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
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*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”