Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
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Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.