[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
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[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
OMG 🤣🤣
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
guys i’ve cracked the code