*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
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At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Note to self: always read the final line
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
getting corrected
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing