So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
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[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.