Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
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If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
And then there were 4
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.