me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
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It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Twitter remains undefeated
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.