I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
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That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit