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[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
i love modern commerce
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.